How My Guy Friends Changed My Life

In my preteen years, I had trouble with boys. I had so. much. trouble. with boys. In my life back then, there was no such thing as respect. I didn’t know what respect was because it simply never existed in my world. I don’t remember everything they did to me, but I know I have been scarred to the point where I now have memory blanks. All I remember, was for a while, I was a laughing stock, a fetishized target for a group of boys at school to poke fun at, and then one day that wasn’t the case anymore. I had met these wonderful young men who befriended me, accepted all my quirky traits, and treated me like a person. Maybe this isn’t out of the ordinary or anything special, but in my life, especially then, it made all the difference.

However, it’s an extremely dramatic shift, going from being degraded daily to receiving an immense amount of not only respect, but also support, kindness, and even friendship. This shift may have been good, but at the same time, good change can also be extremely shocking. At that point, I had already developed trust issues. It wasn’t my guy friends’ intentions I couldn’t trust, but the fact that they were real. Then, the nightmares started. Many nights I would wake up crying, thinking that my reality was a dream, and that one day I would wake up and be in my abusive classroom and all the good I have experienced with the new respectful young men, would be gone. The friendship I had developed, as well as the respect from the gentlemen, felt too good to be true, and it was obsessive. I couldn’t help obsessing over the thought that one day it would all disappear. Then, other nightmares started to form. Some people think you only get sexually assaulted the number of times that it occurs to you, but what about all the times it uncontrollably replays in your mind on repeat or literally haunts you in your dreams? Then you just feel disgusting, nonstop.

I really wanted to control it, and make it all stop, but it wouldn’t go away. At that point, it had happened five years ago, and for some reason, I only felt the slightest bit of invasion up until five years later, when my eyes would randomly well up in tears, and my heart without warning, would beat so fast in fear. I kept thinking, why didn't I even yell at them? At the time, I couldn’t understand why. Now however, as someone with a healthier mind, and better self-understanding, I believe it was the shock. Sexual abuse can be shocking and especially confusing to a young teen because you know it’s wrong, something doesn’t feel right about what just happened, but you can’t pinpoint it, and feel too embarrassed to keep thinking it over, or to talk about it. It mostly felt awkward at the time, and although I did feel a little invaded, I think a huge part of me back then was too shocked to react in any sort of protective way or to even think something of it. I was also going through depression at the time, and a part of me honestly saw that as the least of my problems. Because of other tough situations I was dealing with at the same time, I was so exhausted from having to always fight so much that I lacked the energy to stand up for myself in that case. I was also already abused to the point, where my self-esteem had become so low, I honestly didn’t think I deserved to be treated much better anyways. And for these reasons, I didn’t put up a fight, and it didn’t bother me much immediately, but little did I know it would come back to haunt me 5 years later.

I continued to wake up crying many nights for about two more years often feeling, invaded, frightened, and just sad. Luckily one day, all the kind friends and acquaintances I made went on long and became strong enough for me to realize, this IS my life now. A world I can be myself, and respected. Once I realized that that was mine to keep, the nightmares, and panic attacks slowly subsided. To all the respectful men in my life, thank you for being a decent human being as it has changed my life. You make the world a better place.

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