Living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

A lot of people will tell you that you are weak, so many, that it becomes convincing. Every night you wake up crying from nightmares, and then have to wake up to face a reality the next morning, where it feels like everyone sees you as someone who dwells over the past and can’t move on. Little unexpected details that occur to you daily may set you off in a crying rage, then for days afterwards, you just feel down.

For me, I didn’t know there was a term for what I was going through, and so I just suffered alone. It was hard because being a performing arts student, sometimes I felt like the whole universe was mad at me for not being able to concentrate, but at the same time, I didn’t know what was wrong. My world just slowed down unexpectedly sometimes, but I would have good days too.

What a lot of people don’t realize about post-traumatic stress disorder, is that it’s real and more common than you may think. It’s not only a condition that happens to soldiers who have fought in wars. It can occur to common people who faced extreme shock, which includes of course, victims of bullying and abuse. After all the bullying toward me had ended, a lot of people around me could not understand why I was unable to move on. I was not trying to hold a grudge, but the long term abuse I had faced, done too much mental damage for me to enjoy life.

I would have uncontrollable flash backs of bad memories which came with the condition. Despite people's comments about me having a stubborn mind, I was not trying to sit back, purposely rethink the bad moments, and dwell over the sadness. You know how sometimes people find old things, or have an experience that remind them of the past, and they have a moment of warm reminiscence? Well it happens to victims who suffer from PTSD as well, except those memories draw out negative emotions, including sadness, and or fright. These emotions can carry on and make them feel down for an extended amount of time.

Sometimes, post-traumatic stress disorder can be linked to unexpected fears. In my case, I dealt with much betrayal in the past, and that made me afraid of people. In other words, I had social anxiety which was linked to my post-trauma. I also experienced fear and sadness whenever anyone was kind to me. Being mistreated for an extended amount of time, made me naturally fear kindness towards me, as I was scared that the kindness was either unreal, and only a dream, or that the kindness would turn into hatred. It was a tough time because I really needed a friend, but had trouble making friends because of this fear and my social anxiety.

Hearing discouraging comments which blamed me for the struggles I was going through, was a terrible feeling. I already felt terrible often, and to think that I was to blame for feeling the way that I did made me angry at myself, and as result, I felt even worse. I hope one day, more people will be less judgemental. I strongly believe there is lots of hope for those dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, but we must first we must be kind. Telling someone that they are weak, and that they need to move on when you don’t understand their situation is cruel, and very unhelpful. Believe me, if we could choose, we would move on. No one wants to live in pain everyday. I remember I used to tell myself to stop thinking about it. If I don’t think it, I can’t dream it right? Wrong, this condition is so much more complex than that, but I am not a professional psychologist, and won't explain it further in this post. I tried my best to move on, it did not work, and hearing ignorant and unkind words toward me only worsened my situation. The amount of shameful comments I had received made me believe I was weak, and abnormal. It made me hate myself, when in truth, it is so normal.

Being a target of abuse where you do not feel safe, happy, or worthy for an extended amount of time is absolutely difficult. Of course, recovering afterwards will take time. Of course, you will have trouble blending in to society after. Of course, you will be scared, sad, and confused. It is all normal. Recovery takes time. To any victim dealing with PTSD out there, my words to you are, try to block out any negative comments toward your condition, and give yourself time to heal. People's ignorance does not take away your worth in the world. Sometimes you might feel really alone and helpless ,but remember that there’s many others out there dealing with this as well, and so you aren’t alone. This is your life, and you can take all the time in the world to recover, learn new things, and even experience love and support one day. You will at least always have that from me.

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