Dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a Performing Arts Student

Having PTSD and being a serious performing arts student mix extremely poorly together. Based on my experience, we are told we must be perfect, and come to every rehearsal prepared. In some cases, we are told to never make a mistake, and never daze off. However, when you have a condition that constantly prevents you from being these things, no matter how passionate you are, it will affect your performance and ability level, which kills you inside even more. During my university experience where I was a Fine Arts Music student, I wasn't doing terrible, but at the same time, it wasn't my best. What sucks most, was knowing that I wasn't doing my best, and feeling so helpless when it came to how and when PTSD would affect me.

With the performing arts, there's this stigma, that we as artists must put up with receiving harsh comments and get put down a lot. I haven't seen a lot, but I have seen enough to know that performing is an industry where people aren't always nice, criticism can go to the extreme and you must be strong. I understand that not everyone will like you, and it is something to get used to. I understand that you must believe in yourself even if others don't and put you down. However, sometimes this stigma at it's most extreme can lead artists, and students to a very mentally toxic place.

As an art student, I have encountered some discouraging mentor figures. There is a difference between having high standards, and pushing students to be the best they can, and creating an environment where students feel like they aren’t allowed to struggle. During my university experience, I felt like I couldn’t open up to anyone about my situation because firstly, I didn’t know that I had a legitimate mental health condition, and was upset at myself for being the way I was. Mainly, however, I couldn’t open up about it because of the stigma that no matter what you are struggling through, as a performing artist, you can't let it affect you, and must always reach perfection. I had a professor who told us that they didn’t care about what we were going through in life, sh*t happens, and we must still be perfect, always.

At the time, I was angry at myself for not being able to be that way. I was angry at myself for having nightmares all the time and for letting them affect my productivity. Most of the time, I was drained and tired, from all the negative energy and emotions these nightmares, and uncontrollable flashbacks drew out. Looking back, I realized what my professor had said, was a very unhealthy mindset. If you are having a disorder that affects your ability to be positive, and to concentrate, of course, it will affect your performance in all aspects of your life, including the music you play or sing, unfortunately. Although some teachers really push the mentality on to their students, that they aren’t allowed to struggle despite what they are going through, I personally DON’T believe that. I believe that you can let whatever condition you may have,or whatever situation life may bring, make you struggle. However, you must keep trying the best you can within that tough scenario. That’s my philosophy as an artist.

What’s hard about having a mental crisis as an artist, is sometimes when you try to open up about it, you are told that you must be stronger, and aren’t allowed to feel that way. Although I understand their point of view that it is a tough competitive world out there, and feeling down does not help, I believe we should create a new mentality, where we acknowledge that although feeling down isn't helpful, it’s okay for artists to feel down sometimes, or even often depending on their situation. Artists are people too. Some of us have anxiety, some of us have depression, and all sorts of mental conditions that are out there. There is no way to deny that. We need to break this mentality that artists aren’t allowed to struggle. We need to break this mentality that artists must be resilient to toxic situations and environments. It’s true it takes a trooper to be in the performing arts, but to what extent? Definitely never at the risk of one’s own mental stability and happiness.

I have had a man point his finger at me while shaking his head in disapproval when rehearsing at only age 12. I have been gossiped about right after my first dance competition. I have had a coach tell me that people will judge me for my poor performance. I was only 13. I have been in situations where a teacher began to treat me like I was lower than the others, which led my peers into feeling as though they could treat me that way too. I went through a phase where they talked down to me, yelled at me, disregarded everything that came out of my mouth, and often gossiped about me despite my best efforts to do well in the shows. I have had other peers who I thought were my friends come up to me right a before a show to attack me, and tell me not to f*ck up, although I always tried my best during practice. This really hit me hard because I had been rehearsing with this group for many months and thought of them as friends. When I was older and went to university, I also wound up in some situations where at times, I felt that I was in this very toxic environment where your thoughts and feelings as a person didn’t matter, but rather, what you can do and talent level. What I slowly learned, was the person, and their thoughts and feelings, including their struggles behind the music they make, is not only a part of the art, it is a part of what makes art raw, and beautiful. On top of that, I also realized, nothing is more important than my happiness. I have surrounded myself with peers who are encouraging. I try to surround myself with mentors, and coaches who positively bring out the best in me.

I used to think that I was so strong for putting up with a lot of toxic scenarios to do what I love. However, long-term, it wasn't good for me, and one day I exploded. No, you don't have to put up with cr*p for being an artist. Some people might disagree, but if others call you weak and say you will never "make it", just let them because nothing is more important than your happiness, your mental stability, and self -love and worth. It's good to be pushed, and it's good to push ourselves, yet while we should strive for the best, no one should have to put themselves in an environment where they feel like cr*p all the time, despite what people out there say. You might "make it" you might not, but just remember your happiness comes first.

Return To Site Home:

https://www.liveagain.site/

Discover More Posts:

https://www.liveagain.site/posts