Why We Need Serious Self-Love Help...

Lori Mak
Jan 28, 2018
4 min read

Many victims struggle with self love after going through abuse or bullying. Being put down and hurt constantly can create an illusion that one is deserving of the abuse. We feel that something is wrong with us, and that is why others are hurting us. We are always trying to be better for the sake of someone else, so they will treat us with respect. Imagine having that mentality for a long period of time... therefore, we need serious self-love help.

Why Self-Love is Important:

1. It puts you in a more stable permanent happy place.

Often, abuse victims find themselves seeking validation from others, as result of the mentality that they are not good enough, and that they must please to be treated with respect. However, growing love for yourself helps you respect yourself first, and when it’s achieved, happiness will be more long term, as it will stem from the respect and love you have for yourself, rather than from others whom you cannot control.

2. It helps you focus on improving yourself.

Before I began to love myself two years ago, I was too eager to please. Because of my past experiences, I felt that I had to please people to make them like me and treat me well, and so, I spent too much time on pleasing others rather than focusing on myself. However, when I began to love myself, I did not need validation from someone else to be happy, so I was able to solely focus on school, and my goals. That year my grades had gone up, and I felt I was able to learn significantly more.

3. It boosts your communication skills.

Often, past and current victims of bullying or abuse suffer a huge attack on their self confidence, and that can hurt their social skills. Loving yourself helps you become more confident, and as a result, you become less concerned with impressing others during social situations, which can help you be less nervous and converse better.

Okay, so we talked about why it is important to love yourself, now what? Well, below are a few signs you don’t love yourself enough…

Signs you need to start loving yourself now:

1. You walk around assuming that no one will like you.

It is not that you should expect everyone to like you, but if you walk around assuming that you aren’t likable, chances are, your self-confidence is lower than where you deserve it to be.

2. You have goals that revolve around someone else.

This does not mean that your dream and goals cannot include someone important to you, such as family, or a significant other. All it means is that your goal should not be to get someone who treats you poorly to like you. Your goal should also not be to be the most popular. If your goal revolves around someone else, you definitely need to change your attitude towards yourself, as chances are, it’s validation you are seeking from these people, but you deserve better than to put others on a pedestal to please. It's funny because it seems that being popular or likable would put you in a powerful place for others to admire, but with that mentality, you're actually putting others higher than yourself in the end , as you try to please them.

3. You compare yourself with others often.

I know we all compare occasionally. I am also aware that there’s people we admire, but there’s a difference between the occasional comparison/admiration versus walking around constantly, with the belief that you should be like someone else because they are better than you. This can especially make you miserable because you simply cannot be someone you are not. Although you maybe different, you are just as amazing as this person you want to be, but when you do not love yourself, that’s hard to see.

Okay, so we talked about why self love is important, and signs you should amp up the love you have for yourself, now the question is, how do we start loving ourselves? Well the truth is, it is easier said than done, and requires much patience. A piece of advice I can give right now is to simply be patient, and remember to never beat yourself up in the process.

Tips on how to start loving yourself:

1. Stop seeing the world as a sea of people you need to impress.

Sometimes both current and former victims of abuse feel the need to impress others because it makes them feel safer when they are liked. This mentality can be very toxic, as you give yourself credit based on how others think of you or treat you. Instead, see the world as a sea of interesting people, with their own unique experiences, and personalities which make them special. This mentality puts you in an equal place as those around you, and helps you realize how amazing and special the people around you are. By seeing this in others, eventually you can start seeing it in yourself as well.

2. Stop wishing you are someone else

Your life may not be great. Maybe you think your life is or boring, or you might have gone through sh*t, and your life might seem awful in the moment, but your experiences are a part of you, and shape you to be who you are. Accept your life and accept who you are. Until you accept yourself, you cannot love yourself. This of course does not mean that you cannot try to improve your life. All this means is to at least accept where you are coming from in life.

Remember that as long as you are trying, you are already taking baby steps to slowly loving yourself, as this is not a short process and takes time. Also remember that you are already amazing, and special, even if have low self esteem and do not love yourself yet. It’s just that loving yourself, helps you see how amazing and special you are, and helps you bring out the best version of yourself into the world.