And the next thing I knew...
- Lori Mak
- Sep 23, 2017
- 3 min read
I remember being in class. Focus, I told myself. Listen, be a good girl today. But no matter how hard I tried, she still raged, and told everyone I sucked. I felt like I truly disappointed. I laughed and smiled everyday, but inside, I secretly thought, why I can’t I just sit still, and do and understand the work like everyone else? The next thing I knew, my desk was moved away. Not worthy of sitting with the other kids, I sat alone in a corner, not even worthy of a group table name. “Single,” that’s what she called me. The next thing I knew, I was that girl no one wanted to be friends with. Who would want me? The teacher didn’t even think I was that great.
The next thing I knew, I became attached to stuffed animals. They became these friends of mine who wouldn’t leave me because someone asked them to. Then the next thing I knew, they threw my stuffies around, and hid them, making me cry and scream. The next thing I knew, everyone called me a problemed child, and assumed I was trouble before getting to know me and giving me a chance. The next thing I knew, my heart was breaking. Maybe I will never belong, I thought, maybe I will never find someone who likes me. The next thing I knew, I was trying too hard to get them to like me, by acting too desperate, and talking non-stop. The next thing I knew, I earned the annoying girl status.
The next thing I knew, I was wandering a new school playground alone. “Don’t play with the new girl. She’s boring," they said. The next thing I knew, I never bothered to say hello or speak to anyone. They’d just break my heart by telling me to leave, and that my words are not worthy. I was exhausted from being rejected, and so I kept quiet to myself. The next thing I knew, I walked down this hallway, and wherever I went, snickers and bad comments followed. Some called me stupid, some called me a slut, many just called me weird, and some whispered lies about horrible things that I had supposedly done. Everyday, I walked down this hallway where people believed lies about me that weren’t true.
The next thing I knew, I became the girl with dirtied reputation. No one liked me, yet no one knew me, as no one wanted to get to know me. In their eyes, I was worth a thousand dirty lies, but not worth getting to know. Sadly, that’s how the world works, the leader says, “This Girl Is Bad,” and everyone just follows. The next thing I knew, I was turning on my computer, and found my photos posted all over Facebook with gross comments I do not wish to remember. The next thing I knew, the only two good friends I had, decided to leave me too. Who would want to be associated the bad comments, lies, and stinky reputation rumours left me? It’s stunning how in the blink of an eye, you can go from lonely to even more alone…
The next thing I knew, a boy punched me everyday. It hurt a bit, but he never left a mark, and I never bothered to say a word. I was too tired to. Compared to the lies about me, how much did it hurt anyways? The next thing I knew, they started making mean comments about my flaking skin, and laughed at how ugly it looked. The next thing I knew, they began to talk about my body, laughing and poking fun at it. Wherever I went, comments about my body followed. Terms I didn’t understand were thrown at me. The next thing I knew, they touched the doll in all sorts of invasive ways, claiming that was to be me before smashing her on to the floor. I remember sitting there traumatized. The next thing I knew, I was sitting there writing away in my favourite class, when suddenly, I felt something sharp jab my behind. Shocked, I stayed still there, hearing the laughter from behind me. Once again, I did not bother to speak.
I had given up. I stopped loving myself to the point where, I was not disgusted with them, I was disgusted with myself. I did not even feel undeserving of the harassment. I became that girl whose body was an object to be poked fun of and teased, that girl who was too afraid and exhausted to speak up, and that girl with no will to live longer.
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